Monday, March 2, 2009
Watch Out Girls, The Old "My Dress is Really Old" Thing isn't Going to Work on Your Boyfriends Anymore
What a site. Today we'll find out the top 10 most suspicious remarks I can make to my boyfriend. Courtesy of (very insecure?) author Chris Illuminati.
10. "This dress is really old."
"What she could be hiding: That dress isn't old, it's new and it was expensive." Watch out! I splurged on a dress!!
I admit, I've spent ($200) way too much on a dress before, but I sure as hell didn't go around pretending it was old so my date wouldn't think I'm one of those foolish women that goes around spending money on the expensive, girlish things she likes instead of flat screen TVs. Luckily, he was so busy telling my how incredibly, staggeringly beautiful I was in my over-priced (yet drool-worthy) garment I forgot about my embarrassment. And he definitely got me to take it off, but not so I could return it ;) .
9. Super suspicious: "Are you still hungry?"
Apparently if I ask this I'm "hiding" that I think my boyfriend is getting fat. Or, in the words of AskMen "she thinks you are turning into a load." Yep. This is how women say "you're an ugly fat-ass, mister!" Fortunately AskMen has uncovered this secret and now guys everywhere can get offended and insecure when their girlfriends bust out this insidious question.
8. Uh-oh is your woman asking this tale-tale indicator that she thinks you're a big toddler with no grasp of style?
"What are you going to wear?"
What does it mean!? "She wants to pick out your clothes and dress you up."
7. Awww shit! did she just ... "I'll find my own way to [some place you usually take her]."
...try to go somewhere without YOU?! But you're the most important thing in her whole wide world! Next she'll be able to drive and vote on her own too!
Yep, you need to go everywhere with your woman because women will cheat any chance they get. So don't leave 'em alone, if "she wouldn't run to the post office without asking you to tag along" you're good. If you hear her trying to say she's on her way to the mall don't believe any of that hooey. No siree. AskMen tells it like it is, "she is flying solo more than Chuck Yeager. She tells you she is going to the mall, so you think she is going to the mall. Guess where she isn't going? Figured it out yet, doctor? She wants you off her scent. She is going somewhere that she doesn't want you to know about. It could be something harmless, but chances are it's not. Chances are she isn't going to be alone for very long either."
6. The first sign you aren't the only man in the whole world she thinks is hot? (Other than that growing beer gut she pointed out to you in remark #9)
"I really like that guy's hair/shirt/suit."
Yeah, you should've seen this coming when she started driving herself to the mall to buy the over-priced dresses you hate (which is practically cheating on you.) "Hopefully, she is just admiring the look of other guys and not actually admiring other guys. If a woman starts looking at other men and commenting, you are losing her attention." Because it would be awful for a girl to look at anyone at all other than her boyfriend.
So.. now my guy will know that when I say "I think that guy who plays Jim on The Office is hot, I love his hair." I really mean "BE EXACTLY LIKE HIM! I want to have his babies and I am leaving you for him, I don't just admire his looks!"
5."You don't have to come"
"Now, suddenly, all the places you hated going, you don't have to go to anymore. Great for you, right? Wrong. ... She will have more fun without you and won’t have to worry about keeping you happy and occupied."
Actually, this is totally correct. She finally decided to let your whiny ass stay home while she goes and has some fun. She wants to hang out and be social instead of keeping you happy all night.
Of course, as far as AskMen is concerned, having fun without your guy roughly equates to being on the prowl. Rawr.
4."I can't drink/eat sushi."
Obviously I'm hiding a pregnancy. Ok, my boyfriend would have good reason to worry if I turned down sushi, but only because that's me. But pregnant!? Maybe I'm sick, maybe I feel horribly guilty about having fun at last night's dinner party while my guy wasn't there and I'm punishing myself. Oh no wait.. I'm pregnant. How could he have not noticed?? I'm ABOUT TO POP!
3."I'm seeing people from work."
Aside from the usual reasons a girl doesn't introduce guys who scrutinize their spending habits and get pregnancy scares when they aren't in the mood for sushi to their coworkers it's possible she "could just be embarrassed of you and doesn't want you to ruin her chances of success in the work place or her relationship with a certain group of people. It could also be the fact that she doesn't want other people (specifically Steve from sales) to meet you or know she is in a relationship. Any way you slice it, this isn’t a positive thing."
Me seeing people from work? BAD!
2. I'm basically saying I hate your guts we're done!!
"Don't wait up."
But don't worry, Captain Security you can (and SHOULD!) "call, text and be waiting by the door... Just hope she does come home."
AND The most suspicious thing a girl will EVER say....
1."Who was I talking to? No one."
"It could be another guy." AskMen's startling interpretation of the aforementioned suspicious remark is truly revolutionary. Your girl could be talking to a GUY. Not just any guy, I bet he's cuter, smarter, and better endowed than you too.
Yep, after all of this guy's hard work to make sure his girlfriend never goes anywhere without him she still manages to have a private conversation on the phone. Women really are such sneaky, untrustworthy creatures.