Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah I Don't Want You to Spend Tax Payer's Money on NOT Teaching

The 12-11 vote by the Senate Finance Committee came over objections from its chairman, Democratic Sen. Max Baucus of Montana.

Two Democrats - Kent Conrad of North Dakota and Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas - joined all 10 committee Republicans in voting "yes" on the measure by Republican Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah.

The measure would still have to pass the full House and Senate. Hatch said abstinence education had been shown to work, though Baucus disagreed. Obama had proposed in his 2010 budget to direct money spent on abstinence-only education to broader teen pregnancy-reduction programs.

As a resident of Utah and a feminist I am so disappointed. I'm sick of Republicans telling me how anti-government spending they are, how concerned they are about government programs and then turning around and supporting government spending on a program that teaches morality NOT science or safety in sex. In fact, it doesn't really teach at all. I'm not saying the Democrats are these frugal, infallible, politicians with all the answers, but at least some of them are actually bothering to look for some answers instead of give cash prizes to supposed health teachers that just finger-wag and have us color in pictures of male/female genitalia with Crayons. I'm not even kidding. That is what I did my very first day of school in Utah. The education I got in California was slightly better in that I heard what lesbians were, had heard of masturbation, and saw somewhere what condoms did even though I had not idea what a condom looked like or what really went on in masturbation, except that I thought it was something lesbians might do. I wouldn't have even heard of condoms for years and certainly not from an adult if it hadn't been for my 6th grade CA sex ed. class. I even, gasp, saw what the phases of pregnancy entailed. Provided, even in California, a supposedly progressive state, a male marriage counselor came in to tell our class how having sex with a woman before marriage gives boys a free ticket to disrespecting his wife. (I even got to play the wife who had foolishly given her husband "permission" to disrespect her by having sex with him.)

I'm going to go punch some glass now.

Coffee

The other night after a concert on campus my friends and I were taking the student shuttle up campus. There was this group of rowdy Japanese kids, the one with stylish bleached hair was standing behind me in this crowded shuttle and he proudly showed me his shirt which had the Starbucks logo, but was altered to say "Starfucks" "Have you heard of Starfucks? Starfucks coffee??" He asked me.
"Never heard of it. Is that where you work?"


So I know we could talk for a long time about sex workers, and so on. But... c'mon! The girls he was with exploded in laughter. He replied, "I wish!"

Seriously F*cked Up Book

Have a New Husband by Friday
So I haven't read this, and I don't really plan to, but the implications of the cute heart by the word "New" and then in red scroll underneath there were the words "by Friday." Yeah. That just freaked me out.

So being all freaked out, I clicked the ad because I had to know, "Really?" The descrpition goes on to explain that by simply changing yourself you can turn your husband into Mr. Perfect (I guess at that point you could change your name to Mrs. Perfect). The best part? It's "easy to swallow."

Oh and it's of course written by a man. Because who better to give women advice on what we ought to do?


The best part of all comes next when the publisher describes the book, this was actually supposed to help sell it. Ahh how easy men are to control...

Monday: Secrets Revealed: Cracking the Male Code• Yes, you're different species, but you can work together in harmony.
Tuesday: Creatures from Another Planet...or Creatures of Habit? To understand men, you have to track 'em to their den.
Wednesday: Think about What You Want to Say, Then Divide It by Ten How to talk so your guy will really listen...and listen so your guy will really talk.
Thursday: Think of Him as a Seal Waiting for a Three-Pound Fish Why making love to your man is a key to who he is and how satisfied he'll be, and what's in it for you.
Friday: It Takes a Real Woman to Make a Man Feel like a Real Man How to open your man's heart, revolutionize your love life, and turn him into the knight you've always dreamed of.

(Emphasis Added)

From the assumption that men have a secret "code" that women must decipher (because men shouldn't have to understand women it would be too difficult for their man-brains, that or his version of communication is much better since he's.. you know.. a man) to the idea that the house you live in is his not your's too, this book is insults everyone on so many levels. "To understand men you have to track 'em to their den."

The absolute worst is when you are told to think of your husband as seal and sex as a big fish he devours-- the "key to who he is and how satisfied he'll be." WRONG! Sex is not something you give men to turn them into knights. And men and boys actually have an identity outside of sex, despite what we're told. (These days some of them don't even roam around raping and pillaging all day-- some of them, like, have jobs and thoughts and emotions that relate to something other than their last burger!) Sex is something you might actually enjoy if you weren't imagining your husband as a big seal. The advice that tells women to talk a tenth of the time and shutup and listen to their husbands' words (oh Gloria! If only these people actually read that essay, Men and Women Talking) and the idea that you need to be a Real Woman(TM) in order for him to not be a piece of shit is repulsive-- this book looks like an incredibly insulting exercise in bringin' back the patriarchy (the big dumb, sex-crazed, easily manipulated patriarchy).


And I saw it being advertised on the Psychology Today site. WTF?? And after a google search, my first hit was at ChristianBook.Com. I'm not a Christian, but I wasn't aware that there was anything Christian about telling women that they can manipulate their fucking stupid husbands by shuting up and spreading their legs. And other Christians seem to think the same, no matter how anti-feminist they are.

If You Haven't Seen This Already...

(I'm not sure how anyone who would find this blog would have missed this video that has been viewed at least a million times, but that's not important.)

Feel Good Moment

I made on my friend's wall on facebook reguarding the beginning of semester:

Yeah. It started last week. I feel so tired. Beginning of the semester is rough. I like being social and getting to know people, but you know that about 80% of the people you get to know now will splinter off by the end of the year to go do their own thing. Plus, I've noticed some particular sucking on the part of guys this year. I've already heard a joke that compares a fat chick to a SCOOTER in that they are both embarassing when your friends find out you ride them (because, if I get fat that would suck.. for my boyfriend.. because I would be more like a scooter than a person at that point.) and a crazy good dancer whose shirt said "Find It. Fuck It. Forget It." UGH! *slams head against wall* (not mine, his.)

And in reply I got this comment from a completely random guy that I don't even know:

Anya, I don't even know the context of this post but you are freakin' hillarious.

Back for the New Year

Hello, anyone who might be out there! I'm back. After a summer in China, all around the US, and back I'm in school again and trying to get caught up again. I've got a lot going on this year so I'm not sure how much I can write, but I will try. I want to be a better writer and a better blogger and I view this blog as my starting block. I'm not sure if or when I might graduate to a Better Blog or even have a better name for my blog or a customized layout or even be able to comment on feministing.com (for some reason I always get error messages.) BUT I do know that this little baby of a blog is my start.
Lately I've been reading and loving Gloria Steinem's Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions. I admire the ability and courage Steinem writes with. My only complaint and it's a minor one, is that she tends to use "men" where I think patriarchy is more applicable. What I'm growing to realize is that feminism can seem inaccessible to men because they are often grouped together as "the patriarchy" and I think that as a feminist using specific and correct language is important. We have to realize that not all men are part of the patriarchy and that it is a widespread organization that claims many female members. Aside from that, I think this book is already changing my life and how I view feminism. I realize now how far I have to go and how far I've come in my path toward feminism. How complex and challenging some of these ideas are and how much I need to expand my understanding of them. For example, the fact that it isn't worthwhile or feminist to view being "one of the guys" as better or preferable to being a girl, how being a woman in a male-dominated profession is a bitter-sweet victory and how successful women alone are not enough. Feminism asks us not only to be personally successful, strong women, but also to give that strength over to our fellow women and lift one another up. It is not enough to propel ourselves forward, in order to be a feminist you must be willing to share your victories with other women.

Well, I encourage you to read Gloria Steinem's work yourself.

Reader's Digest Amazes Me

This amazing article popped out at me from the cover of a Reader's Digest in the airport. I was amazed reading it at how sexism, in a field with a 40% pay gap between men and women effects and hurts women. The article talks about how most medicine is tested on white males, yet differences in gender (and race) play a large role in how people need to be treated medically. The fact is that men and women are generally treated the same by doctors, yet we metabolize and react to medicine differently based on our gender. But don't trust me.. read the article!!

Do men get it?

I've often wondered this and right now, I'm not sure they do.
Maybe some do. I don't know.
I'm just sick and tired of hearing about the plight of the MRA, I mean the fact is that feminists have worked so long and so hard to try and peel back people's conceptions of what being a man, woman, bi, trans, gay, whatever person is because people are PEOPLE. Feminists are, to me, humanists and anyone strong enough to carry the title of FEMINIST is so much more. Unfortunately, MRAs don't get it. And neither do most men I know. I mean honestly, they get so hung up on feminists having the femi prefix. Like having to carry a name that sounds and IS female makes it biased against everything else. Hello?

Twitterpated

It seems that everyone is twittering and I'm wondering if it's a good idea to start or not. At first I can't really understand why in the world anyone would want to follow the trivial happenings of anyone else's life. I wonder what ever happened to just asking.. In person. I've met enough people who can't communicate with out their electronic crutch to see the inherent dangers of Twitter. I like the real world and it's easy to get sucked into social networking. I know people who live for facebook, WoW, FFIXI, and of course blogs. All good things, but not at the expense of living.

On the other hand, I'd like to be read by some people at some point and I'm just not sure how to go about that. I don't want to ask people to spread this around, I don't even tell friends and family because I don't want them to influence my writing too much. I want to be able to "write nakedly" as Mian Mian put it. Twitter could help.
I suppose a lot of this comes down to effort. How much do I want to get down to business with this blog?

Puberty Funnies

My little brother is almost at that age so his school rounded up all the boys and girls to tell them what joys await in the wild world of puberty. After school on the day of the great enlightenment he came home and said to our mother while holding up a stick of deodorant, "Look what they gave us in school!" He then lifted up his shirt and smeared it all over his chest.
I'm sure he'll get the idea sooner or later. Until then, he can unintentionally provide everyone with lots of laughs.

Honestly?

So I've been having honesty issues with the S/O and I did a Google search to see if anyone else had similar problems and guess what? No. They don't.

Instead, I found a lot of fat (or supposedly fat) girls saying their boyfriends told them to lose weight and they were glad he was "honest." Fuck. That.

"Honestly, you're a jag-toothed ogre-like woman."
"Wow, thanks for being so open and honest with me!"

Of course we had the guys replying that "skinny rail-thin model types" are ugly (ahem, that would be types like me) and that they prefer "healthy" women. Fuck. That.

We have to admit America has weight issues. So let's say you look at yourself and feel like you're too fat. If you want to exercise, if it makes you feel good, I can't knock that. My suite mate has lost a lot of weight this year and she's worked hard to do that. I really admire her dedication and how it's positively impacted her-- and no, she doesn't have a boyfriend. More power to her.
But if you're losing weight because you feel so bad about the way you are, if you feel guilty after every meal, if you hate your body. That's not good.

In other words do it because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself.

Now onto the guys who use that stupid "healthy" euphemism. If I were 60 lbs heavier and it were all fat that would not be healthy. The point is that if you go around saying that being fat is better than being skinny then it still puts the emphasis on men determining my and my fellow ladies' worth based off our weight (or looks) and how healthy is that? It says that the only thing we're good for, the only worth-while pursuit we can have is to look pretty. Wrong message to send to a girl who just got told that in order to look pretty for her boyfriend she needs to hit the treadmill.

For a long time I tried to gain weight so my "rail thin" ass wouldn't be so bony and my friends would stop calling me anorexic. Guess how healthy that was.

As for the boyfriends who "honestly" tell their girlfriends what lardos they are, um. Seriously? Do we even need to address why you don't say that the one thing that makes you unhappy is that your girlfriend's fat? I mean REALLY!?

If you're into skinny girls, fine. Everyone has a right to be attracted to whoever they're attracted to. But you willingly dated this chick so don't try to pretend like you aren't attracted to your hot, 170 lb 5"2 girlfriend, this is what she looks like, just like I can't mold my white boyfriend into some kind of Antonio Banderas, your girlfriend shouldn't have to find out what you're attracted to and change to fit that. You should pursue what interests you without trampling someone else's self image in the process. It's just cruel to bring down a girl's self esteem like that. You already told her you're attracted to her by being in a relationship with her. Oh and when she starts acting insecure or paranoid you can thank all that honesty.

Marriage is not about Love

That's right. I said it. Marriage is not about love. You were tricked into thinking it was!
Here's what marriage really is: a legal contract between two people.

How is this allowed to happen?

You know what helps sexual assault victims recover?

*trigger warning*

More sexual harassment and humiliation.
via Jezebel.

Quick Hit: Why He Didn't Call You Back

Jezebel's got the first chapter of Why He Didn't Call you back and while I can't read it all now, I'm pretty disgusted with the first few pages. We'll see if I ever make it through the book.
The part where I know this isn't my brand of dating advice?

Here's a little multiple choice quiz: what's the goal of a first date?
A) To allow a man to discover the real you, or
B) To get him to want a second date with you?

(The author goes on to sagaciously point out that B is the correct answer.)

How about neither? How about "To decide if YOU are interested in a second date?" Why does everything have to be about him, anyway? The reason he didn't want a second date isn't because you exposed your "true self" which was, obviously, awful and despicable to him so he left you forever and now you're meaningless. He didn't call back because you acted like a lunatic who puts everyone's needs before your own.

More on this later.

Man Finds Out His Girlfriend has had 19 Previous Sex Partners, Whoops and High Fives Her

Seriously. Who cares? I get it though, if I were to meet a guy at my age who has had 19 sexual partners my first thought would be, "How?" After that it would occur to me that he has probably gone through sexual partners quickly.

I understand that a person's dating history is important. Like, if my current boyfriend's girlfriends all dumped him because he started telling them what clothes they could and couldn't wear it would concern me. So if a guy tells me he's been getting down with a new girl every couple months for the last few years, I might not take him seriously if he tries to come onto me, I might expect things to last about as long as his last 19 sexual encounters. Is this wrong? I think not, but only to the extent that we recognize the pattern rather than judge it and naturally, Mr. Every 2 Months might actually want to try a long-term relationship and I don't think he should be excluded from that possibility based solely on the fact that he spent a few years sleeping around.

This all makes me wonder, is the number relevant? Should we be asking our sexual partners to not only keep count, but report it? If Mr. 19 wants to to have a serious relationship with Ms. 3, can't she figure that out with out him explicitly saying so?

We all know double standards are shit. Any man or woman who thinks it's inappropriate for his girlfriend to have too many (what does that even mean?) previous partners is buying into the idea that women- or people- are worth more or less depending on how readily they'll unzip their pants and that's bullshit. Jessica Valenti in Full Frontal Feminism says we should reclaim our numbers and let our partners know the score. I'm not sure I agree, though.
I prefer not to know. I prefer not to talk about it in terms of numbers, I just want to know if they were safe and if he's recently been tested. I don't like guys to ask for my number, either. It's not about being embarrassed that there are too many or too few, I don't think that's possible. I just don't know what it does for them, for our relationship, and for me. Maybe I'm just giving ground to the patriarchy, but what's done is done and to me, it's not really anyone's business. All my boyfriend needs to know is if I did it safely-- not how many times.

Is this un-feminist of me?

Ignorance About Other Cultures

I like to think the majority of Americans are not ignorant. However, the exchange students were shocked to see how oblivious some are to countries outside of the U.S. So I'm going to quickly clear up some misconceptions.

The Capital of Spain is not Espana, Espana is Spanish for Spain. The capital is Madrid.

In Switzerland they do not speak Swiss. They Speak French and German.

Hong Kong is not communist. In fact it is the most capitalistic country in the world. China supposedly granted Hong Kong autonomy for fifty years, but has recently been working to change Hong Kong culture towards the modern "Chinese" culture that is more in line with 1st world countries.

Hong Kong is Chinese, not Japanese. They do not speak Japanese there.

Hong Kong speaks Cantonese. There are two types of Chinese-- Mandarin and Cantonese. Mandarin is the Chinese National language. Most business in HK is conducted in English.

Japanese and Chinese do not sound alike. The languages are totally different. Japanese barrows certain characters from Chinese, but also adds their own.

Ninjas, Sumos, Sushi, and Samuri are Japanese not Chinese.

Tibet is a part of China, but only recently. The "Save Tibet" stickers are there because China took over Tibet and is accused of destroying the national identity and culture, so if someone tells you they are Tibetan replying "Oh! I love Chinese stuff!" sounds really ignorant and offensive.

Some of these things are more basic than others, I don't expect that people will understand that Japanese, Cantonese, and Mandarin are so different or even be aware of Cantonese. However, people really shouldn't call an HK guy a communist when he comes from the most capitalistic country in the world. So hopefully this helps.

From Miami With Love

So I haven't been doing much hard-core feminizing since I'm on vacation and all, but I thought I'd share some fun things.
Since my travel partners are all exchange students from Asia these are a few things they taught me.

According to my friend from Hong Kong, women there experience equality in the work force and may even experience higher pay and rates of employment. I couldn't believe it, but I want to. While I had trouble finding stats, here's a link to an article that may back up his claim. It looks like Singapore and mainland China have some pretty independent women, too. It makes me want to question the labeling of countries as 1st vs. 3rd world, apparently the US is a leader, just not for women, instead the countries lagging behind are leading in financial equity between the genders. What's with that?

It's popular in Korea for women to have their eyebrows tattooed in. My traveling mate has the tattoo, I thought it was make up before she explained about it.

In Japan it is rare for friendships to develop between people born in different years due to the way the language is structured. Because there is special structure for the language between people who are even a year apart, they cannot speak to people one year their senior as they would their friends.

I also got a chance to visit the history museum in downtown Miami. It was great, I learned that Haitians do not receive the same immigration rights as Cubans and the U.S. sends them back to Haiti if they are discovered. I got to see a Haitian boat and a Cuban raft that were used to travel to the U.S. It was really amazing.

This city is beautiful, especially the South Beach area.

Oh and one more foreign fact: the Korean word for "boogers" sounds just like the Japanese for "children."

The Feminist Life

I went to the movies with 3 of my friends and the one in ROTC decides to buy us all tickets. His treat. We are at the dollar theater, by the way. (Do I go to any other?) But I'm a determined little feminist and I'd lost a bet on these tickets that I fully intended to pay off when ROTC says this, "No, it's fine, really. You're paying for him degrades him as a man."
Oh the things people say. Just to be clear, my friend won his movie ticket in a game of horse. Isn't it super manly to win stuff and compete and junk?
ROTC took my freaking money in the end and will probably think twice before he says being paid for is degrading again.

The movie we saw was Bride Wars, which had a few good jokes and was otherwise a bunch of tired, sexist stereotypes: a wedding is the most important thing in a woman's life, men don't care about weddings because they aren't that important for men (since they don't need women as much as women need them), the list goes on into infinity because this was a long episode of Bridezillas. Seriously. I didn't dream about my stupid wedding, but apparently every other woman on the face of this planet did. Basically, we're insignificant, lonely people who are incomplete until we become brides. Of course, becoming a bride brings out our true colors and we start fighting and go crazy.
Zero Stars for Bride Wars.

Today I leave for Miami. I can't wait. Sun, gators, the weather is finally not snowing here in Utah (until next week), so this is exciting.

Male Feminists

http://www.thestarpress.com/article/20090329/NEWS01/903290328

Woohoo! Shout out to all the male feminists who are helping protect women and creating a more equitable society for them.

It is so important that we hear from male feminist voices. Their input is so important because they are such a big part of the change our society needs to realize. The issues that affect women are inextricably connected to men and it's just so important that men become more vocal about feminism because there is an expectation that males are not feminists. Even worse, there is an expectation that they resent feminists.

My Blue Shirt

So I hear the "girls are so catty and pissy" stereotype a lot and after reading this thread on Feministing I had to post (because for whatever reason it fails every time I try to log on to Feministing to comment.)

It's annoying because as a girl once you hear this you start trying to prove how not catty and grudge-holding you are. Unfortunately, anger's a pretty run of the mill emotion that comes up a lot.

Last night Jack and I were discussing anger and he said his first impulse is to blow up while I said mine is to be passive. I rationalize my anger-- I'm not angry because someone has done something wrong to me I'm angry because I'm misunderstanding something or overreacting or some other excuse. We got to the subject of those awkward early teen and preteen years when I had friends who would call me ugly. As in, I looked "like a child" because "I had no boobs" (I was 14... Where would I have gotten boobs?!) and guys "wouldn't" be attracted to my looks and "anorexic freak" and many more. We discussed the moment I decided I was ugly at the age of 12. The most screwed up thing was that I took these comments and processed them as matters of fact, not insults. They were observing that I was too ugly to expect love like you might notice that I have freckles and size 8 feet. It didn't occur to me that I should be angry.

So okay, I had some shitty girl friends back in the day, but I also let myself have shitty friends because I had no perception of myself as a person who deserved to not be called ugly. Furthermore, I was under the impression that all anger I experienced was a failing on my part. When I began to make my own transgressions against other girls it wasn't because I'm a girl it was because I didn't believe I had any right to be angry. If I experienced conflict I needed troops of other people to validate my opinions and couldn't approach the person I was in conflict with directly because I didn't consider myself good enough to be able to express anger. The irony is that when I actually dated the same girls told me I thought I was all that and when at the age of 15 (despite all evidence to the contrary) boys liked me I got a signed note informing me that everyone is not obsessed with me, but that I thought so and indicating where I may and may not be with my boyfriend. Oh, the drama. Ironically, I'd have never spent more than a day with these girls if I'd had any perception of myself as a worthwhile person (never mind being all that).

So now I hear people tell me that girls don't make very good friends. From other girls. Who are my friends.

"Hey Debra, isn't it pretty obvious that people in blue shirts are quick-tempered and have alcohol problems?"
"I'm wearing a blue shirt..."
"Other than you."
"You're wearing a blue shirt."

Consider this: every one of the most vicious girls who attacked me then went on within a year or two to experience depression, attempt suicide, or have an eating disorder. It's now so painfully obvious to me that the "cattiness" that people believe is unique to women isn't a result of our being inherently rotten, but an after-effect of the damages already incurred from feeling like shit. I had shitty girl friends, but I don't think it had anything to do with ovaries making us go all wacky, I think it had to do with a belief that we weren't good enough to experience anger and have that experience acknowledged by the person (or people) with whom we had conflict. And there's a whole slew of reasons why it might be girls in particular who think they're not good enough.

So please, stop telling me girls make shitty friends. Stop saying that if you are a girl, it's an ironic and constraining world view. If you consider yourself a woman, then at the end of the day you're not better off being one of the guys so learn to accept your womanhood and then learn to love it. It helps with that whole cattiness thing.

Prostitute in Distress

Quick Disclaimer: I'm talking specifically about sexually frustrated, self-proclaimed nice guys who are angry at women.

Is the damsel in distress actually just a glorified prostitute? This morning I was contemplating Heartless Bitch's piece on nice guys and the nice guy relationship with sex. It seems a lot of these nice guys are sexually frustrated. The most absurd element of the frustrated nice guy situation for me is that it doesn't seem very "nice" to help a girl out and expect some kind of romance in return.

"However can I repay you for saving my life?" "Well, I can think of a few things we could-" "Oh I'm not interested in you like that. Here's some cookies, let's just be friends."

Well doesn't that just bite? If you're a nice guy, probably. While these boys not unlike many girls have bought into the fairy tale concept of love they got confused about why women fall in love. It is suddenly shocking when in real life they find their troubled little lady, swoop in to comfort or teach her and she runs the other way. But, it isn't the ni

ce guys that should be insulted it's us, the ladies, who ought to cry out with indignation. We're accused of wanting bad relationships, even jerks because we're not buying into this concept of a relationship. This concept that says that kind acts deserve to be repaid with sex or marriage. It's freaky when you think about it and so wrong. It's wrong because sex shouldn't be about paying up. It shouldn't be about giving Mr. Chivalrous Savior Guy what you owe him.

It's no wonder that so many women are sexually unresponsive and unsatisfied. How much pleasure can we take in doing what at some point became our duty. The prince wakes Sleeping Beauty up and when he wants her to "thank" him, she's supposed to be excited about it? Yikes.

Furthermore, the problem with Knights in Shining Armor is that they project needs onto the object(s) of their affections. Because they're looking for someone to save, they often go around rescuing cute girls that don't need rescuing. They would like to believe the tender, fragile (hot) souls they are pursuing are not independent people who can want them or not, but women who need them. Thus enter the frustrating rejections. It is not the nice guys who ought to be frustrated though, because what woman wants to be a fixer-upper or a project to be worked on? Otherwise, they find themselves in a relationship acting like a doormat, when it ends they feel cheated because they devoted time and energy to someone only to see her run the other way. The entire time, he is trying to fix, to save, and to help that which doesn't need fixing or saving. While he thinks himself noble for putting his lady up high on a pedestal, she's still reeling from falling off it.

Of course, it's insulting to be the object of a nice guys' affections because they so often want you to be his "good girl" counterpart. Ever notice how those nice guys like to think you're a shy, timid thing? As if it isn't bad enough to be a person in need of a man, now you're a his counterpart. The only one who needs saving is the poor schmuck who goes around trying to find timid little girls to play the part of his girlfriend. He already has an idea of what girlfriends do, he's not trying to find an autonomous person, he's just casting you in a role.
What woman hasn't dealt with this? It sucks to be infantalized by a peer and plenty of my male peers have done it to me, all of them were the nicest guys. I would need a notebook and one would gallop in with one in hand the next day, I would be interested in a book or CD and a nice guy would show up and lay it at my feet-- a humble token of his affection.

I've found these guys everywhere. They sit and stare me down in class every day post-rejection and I'm never sure if he thinks I'm feeling guilty or lucky to be in his spotlight. They'll infringe on my privacy and offer to do things like pay for me when I don't actually know who they are. Yet, they always want a prostitute to their good will. They don't pay because it's nice, they pay to impress and if I have boyfriend they assume he's somehow worse because I chose him. Yeah, nice guys are just too good for the rest of us, they don't get rejected because they go around asking women to repay their supposed kindness in sexual favors, they get rejected because they're just too damn good. It has nothing to do with a girl simply not choosing him as her sexual partner, it's because she wants to be treated like shit. He doesn't "finish last" because she's looking for a good guy who isn't a martyr for her affections, it's because he's not rich or handsome enough. It's because every girl is a prostitute and somehow he paid and was so nice he let her walk away without putting out. He will make any number of excuses and explain the reason for his pain any manner of ways just so long as he avoids responsibility for it. Of course, that's easy when every girl is a prostitute waiting to pay up on her debt to men.

Just not that into..

He's Just not That Into You the movie. The movie was a little too complicated because they had to cover an entire book full of dating issues and decided to make some oddly connected people all deal with various problems of the dating world. The best line of the movie was,

"If a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, it's because he genuinely doesn't give a shit."

A revelation!! Thank you. It's harsh, but women (and men) of every age need to realize that when people don't treat you with respect it's because gasp they don't respect you. Wow.
Everyone in the film is white, middle to upper-class people living in the strangely common HUGE apartments in New York. The only people of color in the whole film were working for the white people.. as Hispanic construction workers or an Asian who works for the white lady at a newspaper. Then there's the roving troop of gay men who appear and give dating advice to straight people (because that's what they do, right?) and act really, stereotypically gay.
(Quick aside, why so many gay men and so few gay women in pop culture? The gay guy is becoming a regular in chick media and there's Brokeback Mountain, but why are lesbians invisible to pop culture?)

Let's for a moment put aside the significant problems of stereotypes and the all-too-wealthy white people that the movie's about. Let's talk about the advice. There are little clips where it shows people talking about the advice "If he's not having sex with you..." "If he's not calling you..." "If he's married..."
Some of it is very, very good. The book was a huge wake up call for me when i came out. I needed to hear some of that stuff. The parts that relate directly to my first quote are perfect. Let's look at that again,

"If a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, it's because he genuinely doesn't give a shit."

The things I liked included how the movie touched upon some of the negative and confusing aspects of technology in its role in modern dating and the way girls are taught from the age of five that if a boy is mean to you it's just because he likes you and how screwed up that is when it carries over into our adult lives.
Here's the things I disagree with: not getting married isn't a valid option for couples. The movie suggests that a guy who doesn't "believe" in marriage as the end-all of relationships is commitment-phobic or just not interested in marrying the woman he's with, it also suggests that every woman wants marriage. Wrong! You should wait around for the guy to make things happen-- ask you out, find you, call you. While I'm not for the idea of hurling yourself (at times, physically) at every guy that wants to grab drinks with you, I think women shouldn't expect or be expected to play a passive role in their own dating life. The message of "if he wants it to happen, he'll work for it" is right, but I think it should go both ways. It also sets up this weird power dynamic where the man achieves favor by "proving" his love to the woman and the woman holds power by making him prove his love. Instead of her showing him she cares and him doing the same or even flipping it around and the woman taking him out for a change, it suggests that the girl should withhold and the guy should pursue. Yikes.

Oh and the random clips where people talk about each chapter? Each person was a crazy girl who was making some kind of mistake. The ONE male was a guy talking about how if after a month or two there is no sex it means the person isn't interested. Which is somewhat true (if you don't have sex in the first couple months, you might not have it. Ever. Or unless you get married.) BUT the guy was a LOT less crazy than the women of the film. Oh and all the women in the film are nuts. This film shows so little understanding of real women I'm surprised it was taken from the same guy who wrote that book that woke me up years ago.

I'd award this movie one out of five stars and that one comes from this quote. Let's look at it again.

"If a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, it's because he genuinely doesn't give a shit."

Watch Out Girls, The Old "My Dress is Really Old" Thing isn't Going to Work on Your Boyfriends Anymore

AskMen.com
What a site. Today we'll find out the top 10 most suspicious remarks I can make to my boyfriend. Courtesy of (very insecure?) author Chris Illuminati.

10. "This dress is really old."

"What she could be hiding: That dress isn't old, it's new and it was expensive." Watch out! I splurged on a dress!!
I admit, I've spent ($200) way too much on a dress before, but I sure as hell didn't go around pretending it was old so my date wouldn't think I'm one of those foolish women that goes around spending money on the expensive, girlish things she likes instead of flat screen TVs. Luckily, he was so busy telling my how incredibly, staggeringly beautiful I was in my over-priced (yet drool-worthy) garment I forgot about my embarrassment. And he definitely got me to take it off, but not so I could return it ;) .

9. Super suspicious: "Are you still hungry?"

Apparently if I ask this I'm "hiding" that I think my boyfriend is getting fat. Or, in the words of AskMen "she thinks you are turning into a load." Yep. This is how women say "you're an ugly fat-ass, mister!" Fortunately AskMen has uncovered this secret and now guys everywhere can get offended and insecure when their girlfriends bust out this insidious question.

8. Uh-oh is your woman asking this tale-tale indicator that she thinks you're a big toddler with no grasp of style?
"What are you going to wear?"

What does it mean!? "She wants to pick out your clothes and dress you up."

7. Awww shit! did she just ... "I'll find my own way to [some place you usually take her]."

...try to go somewhere without YOU?! But you're the most important thing in her whole wide world! Next she'll be able to drive and vote on her own too!

Yep, you need to go everywhere with your woman because women will cheat any chance they get. So don't leave 'em alone, if "she wouldn't run to the post office without asking you to tag along" you're good. If you hear her trying to say she's on her way to the mall don't believe any of that hooey. No siree. AskMen tells it like it is, "she is flying solo more than Chuck Yeager. She tells you she is going to the mall, so you think she is going to the mall. Guess where she isn't going? Figured it out yet, doctor? She wants you off her scent. She is going somewhere that she doesn't want you to know about. It could be something harmless, but chances are it's not. Chances are she isn't going to be alone for very long either."

6. The first sign you aren't the only man in the whole world she thinks is hot? (Other than that growing beer gut she pointed out to you in remark #9)
"I really like that guy's hair/shirt/suit."

Yeah, you should've seen this coming when she started driving herself to the mall to buy the over-priced dresses you hate (which is practically cheating on you.) "Hopefully, she is just admiring the look of other guys and not actually admiring other guys. If a woman starts looking at other men and commenting, you are losing her attention." Because it would be awful for a girl to look at anyone at all other than her boyfriend.

So.. now my guy will know that when I say "I think that guy who plays Jim on The Office is hot, I love his hair." I really mean "BE EXACTLY LIKE HIM! I want to have his babies and I am leaving you for him, I don't just admire his looks!"

5."You don't have to come"

"Now, suddenly, all the places you hated going, you don't have to go to anymore. Great for you, right? Wrong. ... She will have more fun without you and won’t have to worry about keeping you happy and occupied."
Actually, this is totally correct. She finally decided to let your whiny ass stay home while she goes and has some fun. She wants to hang out and be social instead of keeping you happy all night.

Of course, as far as AskMen is concerned, having fun without your guy roughly equates to being on the prowl. Rawr.

4."I can't drink/eat sushi."

Obviously I'm hiding a pregnancy. Ok, my boyfriend would have good reason to worry if I turned down sushi, but only because that's me. But pregnant!? Maybe I'm sick, maybe I feel horribly guilty about having fun at last night's dinner party while my guy wasn't there and I'm punishing myself. Oh no wait.. I'm pregnant. How could he have not noticed?? I'm ABOUT TO POP!

3."I'm seeing people from work."

Aside from the usual reasons a girl doesn't introduce guys who scrutinize their spending habits and get pregnancy scares when they aren't in the mood for sushi to their coworkers it's possible she "could just be embarrassed of you and doesn't want you to ruin her chances of success in the work place or her relationship with a certain group of people. It could also be the fact that she doesn't want other people (specifically Steve from sales) to meet you or know she is in a relationship. Any way you slice it, this isn’t a positive thing."
Me seeing people from work? BAD!

2. I'm basically saying I hate your guts we're done!!
"Don't wait up."

But don't worry, Captain Security you can (and SHOULD!) "call, text and be waiting by the door... Just hope she does come home."

AND The most suspicious thing a girl will EVER say....

1."Who was I talking to? No one."

"It could be another guy." AskMen's startling interpretation of the aforementioned suspicious remark is truly revolutionary. Your girl could be talking to a GUY. Not just any guy, I bet he's cuter, smarter, and better endowed than you too.

Yep, after all of this guy's hard work to make sure his girlfriend never goes anywhere without him she still manages to have a private conversation on the phone. Women really are such sneaky, untrustworthy creatures.

When I grow up I want to earn 40% less than my male counterparts as a physician

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/03/01/business/20090301_WageGap.html?8dpc

Yeah.. I got pretty angry. I'm glad NYTimes made this available. As you can see, higher paid professions experience larger wage gaps, which is cool because after going through grad school or med school, paying loads of money, possibly going into debt, working my ass off in residency or education or just climbing the ranks, etc I really want to be rewarded by experiencing a significantly larger pay gap than my sales associate and postal clerk sisters.

Seriously, once you're making more than an elementary or middle school teacher chances are, you're experiencing a 10% or larger pay gap with the boys. Ouch.

Props to travel clerks who experience equal pay for equal work.

Dollhouse

Every Friday from the creator of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog; Joss Whedon! Isn't it great to see a feminist in the media? One who makes some of my favorite shows?


YES!

Just a Door

So it turns out that when a woman goes around opening doors for men she gets a lot of blank stares and stuck at the door. Guys won't go through the doors I am nobly opening for them.
Now, a lot of the guys I open doors for are international students from Hong Kong and Japan, so maybe there's a cultural thing going. Even the American guys seem to be uncomfortable, a guy in D&G glasses just stopped and stared blankly for a moment before he figured out what I was doing and murmured "Oh, sorry." and went through. Strangers don't tend to fight it, but the guys I know will just stand there and argue with me about it until I prod them through.

When I read up on chivalry more than a month ago, I saw a lot of people of the opinion that it was rude for women to reject men's acts of "respect" when it comes to chivalry. The door came up a lot. More than once I read girls who were mad at the kind of women who glare or yell at guys for opening their doors. While I have never witnessed this kind of woman, I began to wonder why men insist on respecting women in a way that a good number of us find insulting. Well, it turns out that the noble and respectful men of the world don't like having doors opened for them. While the guys I know who didn't pay much attention to who opened what in the past didn't seem to notice or care, the most chivalrous men were indignant and argumentative. Gentlemen, calm down it's just a door, right?

So the point is, it should go both ways, if a guy doesn't want me to question him when he goes to the trouble to open a door for me then he can just walk through the damn thing when I do the same to him.

So I murdered chivalry

Awhile back I had a philosophy class that didn't have enough seats on the first day. Twenty minutes into the class a boy with buzzed hair and a striped polo raised his hand. "Oh no, I didn't have a question about the syllabus," he said to the teacher and turned to the girl sitting on the floor, "I was just wondering if you wanted my seat."
She awkwardly shook her head and our teacher exclaimed, "Chivalry is not dead!"

These kinds of things make me want to conduct an experiment-- start opening doors for boys, giving them my seat on the bus, and throwing my coat on puddles for them. I could document the reactions. (Starting Monday, maybe I will start subtly integrating reverse-chivalry into my routine.)

Should I have felt relief that the guy in my philosophy class was looking out for the girl or should I be annoyed that he interrupted class because he didn't know if a girl could sit with all the other boys on the floor? She wasn't wearing crutches or anything, she was just a pretty blond. Should she have felt flattered? Should society commend or condemn this behavior?

There are ways to be respectful that aren't so deeply rooted in Christian traditions and make more sense. There are ways to be respectful that don't assume gender roles. We should replace chivalry with something that goes both ways, men and women should be held to an equal standard. I can open doors, I can sit where boys sit, I can stand on a bus. Unless I'm expected to do the same for another girl or for a guy (like help with a heavy load), then why should men do it for me? If a girl makes more money than her boyfriend should she expect him to pay for every dinner? I just don't feel that the only alternative to chivalry is disrespect or that the two are mutually exclusive.

Unfortunately, there are many who disagree. They are misty-eyed about the days of knights and I've even heard people refer to it as a time when people married for love, not money. Fortunately, these kinds of claims can and do earn the response I'm looking for. I feel like this nostalgia ignores and confuses historical facts, women benefited from chivalry because it was meant to help the weak. I don't intend to be weak so I don't know why I should desire to be treated as such. So instead of trying to act like people in the Dark Ages, why don't we try to act like people in the 21st century?

Now my question is how are men and women supposed to treat each other in a post-feminist society? The answer is simple reciprocity. Just treat me as an equal and don't assume strict gender roles, I'll manage carrying my own books, standing on busses, opening doors, voting, and going to work whether or not a guy can respect that. I'm not mad when others try to do those things for me, but I like, no, LOVE when they think through all of this and stop assuming they know what's good for me, that I might be more thankful when a guy respects my independence and lets me take him out from time to time.

Skinny Deemed Unnatural and Impossible Without Starvation

http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/Detox_if_a_myth.html

Betty Confidential's Judy McGuire has decided that eating healthy is useless and size 6 bodies cannot be accomplished through short daily work outs and healthy eating.
How did she decide this? It's unclear, except that she cites this article that, if read, debunks detox product myths. However, cutting fat, sodium, and processed foods out of your diet is still healthy. (Too bad, huh?) McGuire continues to rant about Gwyneth Paltrow's skeletal figure and her desire to "shed a few pounds" after the holiday.
I'm not about to pretend that all actresses are healthy, but can we stop with the skinny-bashing? I've seen enough. At least once a week when I'm headed to the gym someone says "but you're skinny." Whenever I eat a salad someone says "you need to eat some [fattening food], you're too skinny!" In high school, girls spread rumors that I was taking "body shaping pills" and the anorexia rumors started in when I moved to a new town in middle school.
I hate to burst your bubble McGuire, but some people are thin without even starving.

If Paltrow is trying to live a healthy lifestyle, that's great and if she has a problem there's no reason to hate her for it, she just needs help. And NO I am not and wasn't anorexic, some people just need less exercise, more food, less food, whatever. Not everyone thinner than you is cheating to get there, ladies. It sucks for those with genetic or other disadvantages, but shouldn't everyone be encouraged to eat well and excersize?

Little Sperm Attempts to Escape Egg, Biologists Note Sperm's Manliness

http://discovermagazine.com/1992/jun/theaggressiveegg55

The Aggressive Egg. I have to say I was shocked. In high school the sophomore bio classes would have a sperm race- one girl would stand at the end of a hallway (our school even kind of looked like ovaries at the time) and the rest of the class would race to her.
According to this article, that's not quite how it goes.. Check it out, and prepare to have some reproductive preconceptions battled!

Divorce and Religion

Apparently atheists and agnostics have lower divorce rates than Christians and Jews.

Divorce rates among conservative Christians were significantly higher than for other faith groups, and much higher than Atheists and Agnostics experience.

-http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm

Many guess that this is due to the fact that atheists and agnostics wait to get married, tend to date longer because they don't believe in waiting until marriage, and studies have linked higher education and wealth with lower religiosity.

I'm thinking this actually all comes back to wealth. Cohabiting couples are more likely to end up divorced. If they are living together for the sake of affordability then they can't be very wealthy. Divorce rates correlate to poverty and education level. If it's true that the wealthy are more likely to be agnostics and atheists then it follows that they are less likely to end up divorced. Unlike their less wealthy religious counterparts, they are less likely to experience those other stressful external factors.

Of course, that doesn't change all the hypocrisy that results from people who want to protect the sanctity of marriage forsaking their own marriage vows and ending up divorced more often than the non-religious.